Oh Lord help me...

I was listening to Sarah McLachlan's cover of XTC's "Dear God" earlier, and my co-worker was doing something near my desk. She asked me to increase the volume - something had caught her ear. So I did. Big mistake. (Here are the lyrics, for those of you unfamiliar with the song.)

"Do you like that song?" she asked.

"Well, yeah, I do ... quite a bit, actually," I replied. She furrowed her brow and put her hands on her hips.

"Don't you realize that the only way to guarantee salvation is through Jesus?" she started, obviously ready to give me the proverbial what for regarding religion. I let her say what was on her mind, and then I replied.

"I respect you and your choices. I respect your faith and what it does for you. But you need to remember those choices and beliefs are yours, not necessarily mine. I don't agree with your religious convictions, but I would never expect you to believe any other way. I don't malign you for believing what you do about Jesus, religion, salvation, or whatever. I would appreciate the same courtesy."

Her reply?

"So you don't believe in God?"

ARGH!! SO not my point.

I don't know what I believe, honestly. Well ... that isn't true. I don't believe there's an old, bearded, gray-haired man in flowing robes sitting on a golden throne in "heaven" who is all-powerful and all-knowing. I just don't. I do believe there's something "else," though. I have no clue what it is ... but trust me, after 9 years of Catholic school and a pretty rigid Catholic upbringing, I'd bet good money it's not that particular dogma. I think most Catholics get wrapped up in the comfort of the rituals, the patterns of behavior, and the safety they perceive as coming with adhering to those rituals and behaviors. And that's fine. My parents find much solace in their beliefs ... and at their age, I'd never give them grief for it. It's actually comforting to me, as well, knowing they feel safe and secure. Good.

I think a lot of people who grow up in very religious homes, or who attend parochial schools, find themselves doubting those teachings when they reach adulthood. My doubts started as far back as the fifth grade. There's just so much out there ... so many different teachings, paradigms, dogmas, faiths. I tend to tell people I'm spiritual, but not religious. I like the idea of a higher power, but I can't wrap my brain around it being something sentient and humanoid. I don't know. It makes my head hurt. But I can say with certainty -- there are moments of bliss, moments of despair, and moments of uncertainty in my life that convince me something else is out there, in some way or another. There's too much beauty for it all to be a cosmic accident.

I wonder, though, why some people find it perfectly acceptable to judge others and, for all intents and purposes, demand their beliefs are the only "true" ones? It's nothing new, however. And I doubt it will ever change. But I'm pretty sure my co-worker will look at me differently from now on, and that saddens me a little bit. But hey -- it's her loss. I'm pretty fabulous ... religious uncertainty and all.