RIP Heath Ledger

Heath Ledger is dead.

I am still, 8 hours after first seeing the news on cnn.com, in shock.

I can't really explain why this has affected me so much, but I have been a mess all night. Is it Brokeback? Is it the tiny crush I've harbored since A Knight's Tale? Or is it just the overwhelming sense of melancholy that seems to have permeated my life? I can't really explain it.

Ledger's performance in Brokeback is one of my all-time favorites ever captured on film. Tony doesn't "get" that. Well, I shouldn't say that. He doesn't "get" the movie's impact ... he's never doubted Ledger's exceptional work. But... it's that performance that seems to haunt me tonight. The character Ledger played, Ennis Del Mar, was a tortured and troubled soul. Was Heath? Is that why he was so able to capture Ennis's pain? When Ennis collapses in the "tunnel" after Jack Twist leaves the first time ... I can so relate to that feeling. I remember the weight I felt when I was parted from my first lover for the very first time. Better yet -- I remember the pall of fear I felt burdened with when I first realized I liked my friend Roger a bit more than I probably should have at age 13. There are so many moments in the movie that touched me immensely. I am, as I said, overwhelmed with grief, disbelief, and dread. I'm not ashamed to admit I've cried numerous times this evening. I find myself putting off sleep. I am bereft. Does that make me silly, seeing as how this was simply an actor, not someone I knew? It's a weird feeling. I hope he is at peace. I hope he knows how much he touched people ... ALL people, not just people in my community. I hope I feel better tomorrow...

Rest in eternal peace, Heath.