I've been debating lately whether or not to hang up my blogging "duties." There doesn't seem to be much point. I seldom have anything to write about, and when I do, it's usually a bitching and moaning session. I know how old those can get ... so I'm trying to decide whether or not to continue with this little venture. It's therapeutic for me, to vent here ... but I also hold back sometimes, for fear of hurting someone who might read what's within. I shrug and press on.

It could just be the general "blah" I feel. It seems every time I take one step forward, I take the proverbial two steps backward. Work is a drag, my professional life "on hold" and in a daunting state of limbo. I fear that the 8 to 9 months I was "promised" will turn into 8 or 9 more -- and that makes my head hurt. My personal life is good, for the most part. There are things that T and I can't seem to see eye-to-eye on that bring about what, at times, appears to be insurmountable stress. And we're both stubborn enough to stand firm and think we're absolutely right, regardless of how the other is feeling. I'm very comfortable living where I live, but at the same time, feel like something of a failure that I'm renting from a friend and not making headway on my own condo or house payment. That just brings my debt to the forefront of my mind, and I get overwhelmed, thinking how incredibly messed up it is that I'm still paying for a surgical procedure I endured over 7 years ago. The same surgical procedure, I might add, that has inadvertently brought about a drastic change in my demeanor and physical "being" -- and is, at the root, the cause of the malaise that drapes itself over my relationship. And I honestly believe that we both truly do the "best we can." There are times when that's just not enough, I guess. We're left with the task of persevering, which we've come to do with aplomb. I try to tell myself they're simply bumps in the road of life ... and that things could be infinitely worse. It's small comfort, however, when I find myself worrying that I'm an unsatisfactory life partner.

My mother's health is failing, although she seems to be holding steady lately. I remind myself that she's 82 years old and has lived a rich, full life. Sure, there have been stressors and moments of utter lunacy -- but those are the interesting strands in her life's tapestry. She's a pretty amazing woman ... quite the survivor. I should draw strength from that, and apply her "let's just get through it" attitude to my own life. I think I do, whether I realize it or not, and that does bring me some comfort. Hell, if she can do it, I can do it. And I will. It's just a weird, "off" day. Yeah. That's all.