I really want to know ...

Does a person who is having a nervous breakdown KNOW he is having one? Is he that acutely aware of what's going on with him emotionally that he understands he's cracking up? I think I'm cracking up, but I wonder -- because I think it, does that just mean I'm a bit overwhelmed by stress, and not really losing my mind? Because, if I'm able to process that I'm losing my grip, doesn't that mean that I actually have a relatively decent grip? ARGH!

There's something of a history of mental instability in my family ... but I don't think of myself as mentally unstable. At least not to the degree that my sister and brother are mentally unstable. Carolyn is one of my favorite people on the planet, but she's unquestionably challenged in the area of mental health. Bi-polar and not medicated most of the time, she's a true original, all right. I could -- and should -- write a book. And then there's Michael. Also bi-polar, but mostly medicated, he's just a sad, desolate person. I think he's so medicated that he's out of touch with everything. I have mixed feelings about all that, but that's a story for another time.

I've benefitted from psychotherapy in the past. There have been times when it really helped pull me out of whatever pit I had managed to fall into ... and other times when it was just a chore and not helpful at all. I don't think my "issues" have really changed, which is most likely the root of my "problem," so I doubt therapy is going to do me much good this go-round. Ho hum.

There's really no choice: There's absolutely no time for a breakdown. None. So ... I will continue to trod on, going where I go, finding where I'm headed as I "get there." That makes T crazy, but ... I do my best. Just like a Boy Scout, I really truly do my best. What more can I say?